"I love... miss you", he said.
He had corrected himself. Was he saying what I thought he was saying? Telling me he loved me, or about to confess his love for me? Or had he mistaken me for one of his past girlfriends who always exclaimed "I love you!" at the end of each phone call?
I had never said "I love you" to anyone romantically before, although I did dabble with the idea; incensed by media, TV and film, of course I'd obsessed about ways of saying it. I'm a hopeless romantic - can't deny it, won't deny it - and I have always worn my heart on my sleeve. I've often spoken or written in metaphors trying to poetically express how I really feel but to most this just seemed ambiguous and no one ever cracked the code underneath.
While in my first relationship, I befriended a girl who had a few, let's call them, "issues", and it just so happened that we both got into our respective relationships simultaneously. By the 4 month mark, she was saying how much she loved her boyfriend and asked me if I loved mine. I said I didn't know. She said,
"You've been with him for 4 months, you must be in love with him". She emphasized the word 'must' with relish.
As a relationship virgin, all I wanted was a romcom boyfriend like in the movies, which would gradually progress into a serious relationship. I can honestly say I didn't envision marriage but something more, definitely. Unfortunately for "stuck in a teen dreamworld" me, he wanted something more casual, but he never let on because we never talked about things like that. All we seemed to do was watch movies and have sex. I was dying for him to sweep me off my feet and take me out to a fancy restaurant or show me off to his friends, but he never did.
My first relationship had "right place, wrong time" plastered all over it. It was top heavy all-round; I always made the effort because I wanted something special. I can't tell you how many times my friends said "dump him" and I'd reply, "no, you don't know him like I do" or "it's not like that, really", despite the fact I had just spent half an hour complaining about him and his imperfections. Imagine how surprised I was when he dumped me soon after the 5 month mark. And all this occurred after I hinted that I loved him.
After 'said' friend made her claim, I tricked myself into thinking that I was in love with him, so shortly before the 5 month mark, I decided to utter my special announcement in a unique way. I'd recently watched The Lion King 2 which has a song all about love in Afrikaans ("Upendi" for those keeping check). He was originally from South Africa, I think you can see where this is going! So I told him I loved him in Afrikaans... He looked at me oddly but did not say he loved me back. He said he thought the language was cool. Baie romanties.
In the days that followed I honestly had no idea what was coming. After watching Team America on a Sunday night he put his head in his hands and said,
"I don't think I love you and I don't think our relationship is going anywhere".
I initially thought that was rich coming from him, but he had a point - all we did was watch movies and fuck, although I'm sure most guys would prefer that to a clingy girlfriend but with a "no strings attached" label.
I was having serious déjà vu but vice versa: someone had vaguely mentioned the word "love" in a sentence... to me!! Baffled, I replied, "I miss you too", followed shortly by "goodbye" and hanging up the phone. But that night, I started to question myself: did I love him?
It was like relationship #1 all over again: I liked him a lot, cared deeply and thought about him all the time but I didn't believe that was love, definitely not after the first time around. I had to think how I really felt about him, especially as what he nearly said was so significant: it was clear, but he stopped himself. Perhaps he had loved too much, perhaps he was in love with idea of love. Perhaps he didn't want to get hurt, or have his heart broken.
As someone who'd never felt romantically loved before, let alone felt a magnetic force when meeting a man, I knew what we had was different to my relationships with other men. People say love is indescribable, you can't put a label on it or categorise it. Similarly I cannot do either but I'll say this:
every time I saw him or spoke on the phone, it was like the first time we met - the quick heartbeat, blood pumping through my veins, the headspinning adrenaline rush. It wasn't lust and it wasn't just a crush. I felt like I'd known him for years and yet there was no rush to get the pleasantries out the way and make small talk. No, to me our relationship was like a sparkler being constantly relighted. Occasionally it goes out as we are long distance, but only because we have to eat and sleep. But the fact we regularly communicate is so important to me, it helps our relationship grow as well as ourselves as people, and I am ever so grateful.
He had corrected himself. Was he saying what I thought he was saying? Telling me he loved me, or about to confess his love for me? Or had he mistaken me for one of his past girlfriends who always exclaimed "I love you!" at the end of each phone call?
* * *
While in my first relationship, I befriended a girl who had a few, let's call them, "issues", and it just so happened that we both got into our respective relationships simultaneously. By the 4 month mark, she was saying how much she loved her boyfriend and asked me if I loved mine. I said I didn't know. She said,
"You've been with him for 4 months, you must be in love with him". She emphasized the word 'must' with relish.
As a relationship virgin, all I wanted was a romcom boyfriend like in the movies, which would gradually progress into a serious relationship. I can honestly say I didn't envision marriage but something more, definitely. Unfortunately for "stuck in a teen dreamworld" me, he wanted something more casual, but he never let on because we never talked about things like that. All we seemed to do was watch movies and have sex. I was dying for him to sweep me off my feet and take me out to a fancy restaurant or show me off to his friends, but he never did.
My first relationship had "right place, wrong time" plastered all over it. It was top heavy all-round; I always made the effort because I wanted something special. I can't tell you how many times my friends said "dump him" and I'd reply, "no, you don't know him like I do" or "it's not like that, really", despite the fact I had just spent half an hour complaining about him and his imperfections. Imagine how surprised I was when he dumped me soon after the 5 month mark. And all this occurred after I hinted that I loved him.
After 'said' friend made her claim, I tricked myself into thinking that I was in love with him, so shortly before the 5 month mark, I decided to utter my special announcement in a unique way. I'd recently watched The Lion King 2 which has a song all about love in Afrikaans ("Upendi" for those keeping check). He was originally from South Africa, I think you can see where this is going! So I told him I loved him in Afrikaans... He looked at me oddly but did not say he loved me back. He said he thought the language was cool. Baie romanties.
In the days that followed I honestly had no idea what was coming. After watching Team America on a Sunday night he put his head in his hands and said,
"I don't think I love you and I don't think our relationship is going anywhere".
I initially thought that was rich coming from him, but he had a point - all we did was watch movies and fuck, although I'm sure most guys would prefer that to a clingy girlfriend but with a "no strings attached" label.
* * *
I was having serious déjà vu but vice versa: someone had vaguely mentioned the word "love" in a sentence... to me!! Baffled, I replied, "I miss you too", followed shortly by "goodbye" and hanging up the phone. But that night, I started to question myself: did I love him?
It was like relationship #1 all over again: I liked him a lot, cared deeply and thought about him all the time but I didn't believe that was love, definitely not after the first time around. I had to think how I really felt about him, especially as what he nearly said was so significant: it was clear, but he stopped himself. Perhaps he had loved too much, perhaps he was in love with idea of love. Perhaps he didn't want to get hurt, or have his heart broken.
As someone who'd never felt romantically loved before, let alone felt a magnetic force when meeting a man, I knew what we had was different to my relationships with other men. People say love is indescribable, you can't put a label on it or categorise it. Similarly I cannot do either but I'll say this:
every time I saw him or spoke on the phone, it was like the first time we met - the quick heartbeat, blood pumping through my veins, the headspinning adrenaline rush. It wasn't lust and it wasn't just a crush. I felt like I'd known him for years and yet there was no rush to get the pleasantries out the way and make small talk. No, to me our relationship was like a sparkler being constantly relighted. Occasionally it goes out as we are long distance, but only because we have to eat and sleep. But the fact we regularly communicate is so important to me, it helps our relationship grow as well as ourselves as people, and I am ever so grateful.
